I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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