I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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