I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
