Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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