Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Randomize
