i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
