Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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