im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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