Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
