i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
