From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This is my gift to your gina
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
