Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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