So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
