I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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