youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
