you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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