Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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