My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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