Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
