we have pet lesbian snakes
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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