WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We're too hungover to prance.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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