at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
