The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
