you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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