I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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