My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
