I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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