Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
