ya dads aren't the best wingmen
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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