Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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