he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
