Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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