yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
