I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You are the jesus of drinking
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
