there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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