Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You're like the curious george of whores
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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