I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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