that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
