Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
