I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
