I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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