.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
