Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
