respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You left your phone here
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