Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
