No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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