Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
