i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
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