It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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