So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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