My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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