god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
