I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
